Food, glorious food.

I have the week off, not by choice, but because this is the life of a freelance musician. I am blessed to have pretty steady summer work, but with all per-service jobs, sometimes they just don't need a horn, or the person who plays it. So I've decided to spend my stretch off doing things that need to be done. There are still a few boxes that have become permanent fixtures that should really be unpacked. With numerous regional and national auditions coming up, there are excerpts to be (re)learned. There was a Harry Potter book to be finished, but that was finished Sunday night. You get the idea. Its not all unpleasant, but some of it is more fun than other stuff.

So I decided to start it off on the right foot yesterday. The right foot, for me, usually involves food. So I took the wad of cash from my gig the other day and went to my favorite grocery store, Trader Joes.

Reader(s), I am living, breathing proof as to why you should not go grocery shopping when you are hungry. I think I fell into some sort of haze when I got there, remembering how fun it is to grocery shop when J. is in town. It was like he was just one aisle over, maybe, and we could definitely finish an entire bag of grapefruit, a whole bag of pears, and an enormous number of plums before they all went bad. This haze may also account for the somewhat ridiculous amount of other stuff I bought, too. As most of us know, the grocery store isn't really made for single people. Its much easier (and way more fun) to shop for two people.

When I got home, I looked at the vast abundance of food and realized what I had done. I was missing J. so much that I had almost exclusively bought food that he would like. The flaw here is that J. is 2400 miles away, and will not be eating this food with me. But as I peeled a grapefruit (not a fruit I've ever really loved, but one of J's favorites), I started thinking about how powerful food has become to me.

A seemingly unrelated story: A few nights ago, I was in DE and met up with some old friends who I haven't seen in the five years since their wedding just after college. I was happy that the stars had sort of aligned so that I'd be able to meet up with them. So when they suggested we meet at Bennigans, which was a convenient halfway point, I was a little disappointed. There were a number of haunts from my undergraduate days with excellent food and a great beer selection that I was hoping to reacquaint myself with, but for various reasons, I seemed to be outnumbered on this one. So I thought "Well, its not about the food. Its about seeing old friends, right?"

Wrong.

I'm not taking away from how nice it was to see these two, but I have to admit that the experience was diminished for me because the food was awful and the service was just annoying. There were a limited number of things I could order, since I don't eat meat, and none of them looked that good. I don't make a lot of money as a musician, and I do tend to eat out a lot because I'm away from home more than your average person. But when I spend money on food, I like to spend it on something that is delicious. Even if its that $6 burrito from Qdoba or that pizza on the boardwalk, I usually try to make concerted decisions about the food I’m going to spend my money on. After all, “Ya gotta eat!” Lets just say that chain restaurants don't usually get my vote or my money.

Last week I was in NYC meeting another set of old friends from the college years, as mentioned in the previous post. There was a big group of us and it was a great gathering. And it wasn’t ALL about the food, but the delicious Burmese cuisine definitely enhanced the experience. For me, Bennigans detracted from it.

So after my grocery store run the other day, I'm probably overly conscious of how important food has become, whether it is in my house or out of it. Why spend money on what you could have anywhere (TGI-Chili-Apple-Benni-Outback-Fridays) when you could go to an independently owned place with delicious food and real character?

Call me a snob, its just how I feel. Now if you'll excuse me, Reader(s), I have to go eat another grapefruit.

I'm a nerd.

But you already knew that, particularly if you are a regular reader.

Life is so fun right now. Went to NYC to have a lesson with this lady, which was amazing, and I can pretty safely say that my embouchure actually is going to be fine. It was awesome. Met DS for lunch, then had an EXCELLENT reunion with friends from college. We ate at a fabulous restaurant and went to some bar afterwards. And it was FANTASTIC to see everyone. I had fun for absolutely every moment I was there. And I really don't like the city of New York all that much, so that's saying a lot.

And I've been working a ton, which is great. Now if only those f***ers would pay me... But I don't want to turn into one of those complainers. The check's in the mail. Sure.

AND TONIGHT! TONIGHT IS THE LAST HARRY POTTER BOOK!

I was a little embarrassed to pre-order it a few weeks ago. When they told me that I could pick it up at midnight, I definitely thought "No Way." And now that the opportunity is presenting itself, well... I have to say, I'll be standing in line with everyone else. Then I'm going to come home and start reading, and I'm not going to stop until the book is read. So don't expect to hear from me for awhile. I suppose I'll have to stop reading to go to work tomorrow and Sunday. But in the meanwhile, don't talk to me. And if you know the ending because you read the spoilers or you read faster than I do, don't talk to me.

Anybody wanna hear MY predictions?

Harry's gotta die to save the wizarding race. I think he'll die saving his friends, in some act of love. And if he doesn't, its a cop out. Period. If Harry lives, I'm gonna be pissed.

:-D

Later, Reader(s).

What a long, strange trip it's been...

Its my birthday tomorrow.

Well, technically, its my birthday today, since its 1:30 in the morning. But I'm going to end this day soon and wake up and then it will really feel like my birthday. Lets not get too hung up on technicalities, though.

So, last year, I can tell you EXACTLY where I was on this night. I was sitting on my balcony with M., discussing my incredible luck at receiving a phone call from a certain Canadian orchestra, offering me a one year position as their associate principal horn. What an incredible birthday present. I was dumbfounded and thrilled and scared and excited. "This is it!" I thought. "This is my big break! Now I will be happy because I have a job."

I can tell you that I am in a much different place now than I was then, even though I'm sitting in the same seat on my balcony in the sweltering July heat. How different? This could get long and philosophical, but I think I have to write it for myself. Consider yourself warned.

Last year I didn't think I deserved a job. "What makes me more qualified than any of these other schmucks on the audition circuit? How can I ever live up to the unreasonably high expectations that I have set for myself?" Now, though, I actually believe that I'm a good horn player, not because that's what other people have told me, but because I know that its true.

I never wanted to admit weakness. "Never let 'em see you sweat," I thought. But I learned how to ask for help and how to admit when I don't have the answers. I know that I'm a good judge of character and I can find the people who can help. Oh, and never take advice just to impress someone. If you don't agree, smile politely and ask around for some other opinions. There's more than one way to skin a cat, apparently, but there's also more than one way to gain increased stability in the high range.

If you think you're getting played, you probably are. If you aren't being valued in a relationship the way you know you deserve to be valued, just get out. I'm a pretty cool person, I think, but I kept dating these guys who didn't want to act like they gave a shit about me. There's no amount of "convincing" I could do to make them see otherwise, and I don't really know why I was trying so hard. But putting my foot down and not accepting mediocrity actually worked out! I have someone better than I ever dreamed possible. I'm in a functional relationship that, despite the distance, is incredibly fulfilling. When I'm with him, I feel like the person I want to be. When we're together (or even just talking on the phone) I feel smart and funny and pretty. For real.

I know that having a full time orchestra job might buy you respect from some people, and there might be a decent benefits package, but it doesn't buy you happiness, and it doesn't buy you the freedom and variety that a life of freelancing gets you.

Warm boots and a good toque will get you through the winter. Keeping your feet warm is imperative to your everyday happiness. Trust me on this one.

I learned how to really take care of myself, physically and mentally, this year. Yoga, acupuncture, physiotherapy, and some counsel from people far smarter than I am went a long way to making me realize that I couldn't keep coming down that hard on myself. I remember when I was so tense I could hardly breathe in January. I don't ever hope to go back to that, but I think I have the tools now to keep it from happening again.

I am so much healthier than I was then. I wouldn't wish the experience I had on anyone, yet, at the same time, I hope that everyone gets the opportunity to learn so many things about themself. I hope the lessons aren't as harsh, but sometimes maybe that's what it takes. After thinking long and hard about it, I would absolutely repeat this year. After all, that which does not kill you....

I feel strong. Really strong.

Finally.

um...

So, I've had any number of great ideas for blog posts in the last week or two. Unfortunately, by the time I get home and could actually write them, the inclination is generally gone.

So suffice it to say that life is fine, and if the mood to blog actually strikes me while I'm in front of a computer anytime soon, I'll be sure to write more.

Hmmm

I don't even quite know what to say about this one.