Could you please stop standing on my chest?

I had a lesson with the great and powerful AU on Sunday, and we determined that a great deal of my playing problems are because I am holding air, somehow, in my chest.

Now, the Physio mentioned that I had a ridiculous amount of tension in my shoulders. (I had to refrain from saying, "Thanks, Dr. Obvious.") And acupuncture was helpful, and I'm looking forward to more of it tomorrow.

I've heard that the chest is where we humans tend to hold our "emotional pain," which makes sense since that is the area that protects the heart. Yoga focuses a lot on "opening up" that area of the body, and I've found that thinking about "breathing into" that space helps a little.

I was practicing at the hall tonight, trying to get some sound without being incredibly heavy about it, thinking about my grandmother, and feeling like someone was standing on my chest. None of the aforementioned tricks was helping, and frankly, it still feels like the weight of the whole world is bearing down on me.

I've had my bouts of depression like any normal person, and there is a certain amount of physical pain that goes along with it. But it has never been like this. I wish it would go away so my horn playing could come back. The only thing I've ever really been able to depend on was my horn, and now its gone and I don't know what to do. And it hurts. It hurts so much.

Storm of the Century

I'm in Philly, spending time with friends and eating too much delicious food. I'm looking forward to moving back here-- it's home. Dealing with family has been trying my patience, but this is just how things go. I'm taking comfort in the fact that sometimes, things actually get so bad that they can't possibly get any worse. I know, I'm not supposed to tempt fate by saying that, but really, what else can go wrong?

In D.C. a few days ago, a got a chance to see an old friend from UW. It was great to see a familiar face from so far back. Its also great to see people taking control of their lives in such a proactive manner. Way to go, BAM. (What great initials.)

I actually met up with BAM at a Lent church gig in Arlington. This was the first time I have set foot in a church in a REALLY long time. And of course, God apparently took this as a good time to address me personally. I walked in late because the DC Metro area is notoriously difficult to navigate. As the minister began speaking, I knew that this was going to be something that hit home. He talked about change. He talked about trying to change other people and the impossibilities and complications that arise from that. He posed the question, "In this season of Lent, what do you want to change about yourself?"

Dear God: Okay, I get it. I need to be self-sufficient. I need to stop trying to change the people around me and work on being okay with who I am. I get the message, and I'll work on it. Could you just leave me alone for awhile? I'm sick of searching for answers to the "BIG QUESTIONS." It's exhausting. Love, Ren

So, here I am. Scraping the bottom of the barrel, wondering who I am and what needs to be changed.

And in the meanwhile, CRAZY EAST COAST WINTER STORM PART II is headed up the coast from Texas. It looks like travel is going to be an absolute bitch over the next few days. Great.

The good news is that today I ate Qdoba AND Wawa in ONE DAY. Mmmmm....

It never rains....

My gramma died on Monday. She died in the morning, so I didn't get to see her before she died. This makes me sad.

Horn playing is going okay. Not great. Just okay. This didn't really turn out to be the relaxing trip home that I had hoped it would be. The shit just keeps raining down on me wherever I go, it seems.

Good thing: I'm in Washington D.C. right now visiting KS, and about to go see BM sing in a church gig! It'll be great to see a familiar face. Hell, it might be good to catch up with God a little too. I can't remember the last time I was in a church and didn't get paid for it. For that matter, I can't remember the last time I was in a church when I WAS getting paid. Anyway, even though I'm not sure I even believe in God anymore, it might not hurt to say hello, just in case.

I got called for three gigs in Philly yesterday. The first I thought was cool. The second call was sort of uncanny, and by the third call, I decided it might be some cosmic sign about moving back. Perhaps it was "You should move back here sooner rather than later." Or even, "You can't get out of Calgary fast enough, honey. You're needed here."

If I move back, will things get better? God I hope so. They can't get worse. I have to go to church, I'll think about it then. (Ha.)

Tired.

I can't figure out if I'm tired because I didn't get much sleep last night, or tired because my brain has been working on overdrive. I think I might be starting to "let myself down" as I anticipate being back where I can lay on my parents' couch, K's couch, AS's couch, or AU's couch and NOT be in Calgary.

My employer did not hire a replacement for me, which is something I'm happy to talk to anyone in person about, but I just can't bring myself to blog about. Suffice it to say that I feel slightly vindicated, and we'll leave it at that.

So I'll be home for a week: those of you who know where to reach me on my "US Cell Phone" please PLEASE feel free to call me and catch up. I'll be driving here, there, and everywhere, but will definitely have more than enough down time to hear all about everything from everyone.

I played again today. It was alright. Again, its just to complicated to blog about, but email or call and I'll give you all the gory details.

I'm fading fast, so I'd best end this before I fall asleep on the keyboard. I still have packing to do and need to leave the house tomorrow morning at an hour that I didn't know existed to real people.

Ah, Wawa....

Stop Stalking Me.

"Even if you are receiving well-intentioned help, it may not be easy for you to graciously accept it. You might feel as if your production is not up to par; otherwise, you wouldn't need the assistance. Actually, it is your vulnerability that can increase the intimacy between you and a loved one now, so don't pretend that you have it all together if you really don't."

So, anyone want to listen to me play the horn today?

Day Six

Good God. I can't wait until this crap is over. I need to get on with my life.

Ever have an "alternate reality" moment? Like one of those times when you think about where you thought you'd be, and you look at where you actually are and you say something like, "Huh. Didn't see that one coming."

My point: February 17th (tomorrow) was supposed to be "my day." I was going to permanently win my job (or at least be "tenure track") and start settling down and getting on with my life, here, in Calgary. And that is not what is going to happen. I am not going to take that audition. I'm going to go home, to Philly, and my life is going to take turns that I hadn't really anticipated.

And I have very mixed feelings about that, as you all might imagine. Part of me is relieved and happy to get out of here. But another part of me feels that nagging failure, that wish that things really had gone the way I wanted them to.

You don't learn things about yourself when things are going well. Its the low times where we learn things, because that's when we HAVE to take a long hard look at our lives.

I keep saying this, but everything happens for a reason. There is a reason for all this. I don't know what it is yet, but it'll show itself, I hope.

Day Five...

Still boring.

But I got acupuncture this morning! It was neat! I'd highly recommend it.

And now, I'm drinking hot buttered rum and watching Grey's Anatomy.

I made the mistake of buzzing on my mouthpiece today. Bad idea. I had sort of hoped that everything would be perfect. Alas, it was not. So now, I'm back to worrying that I'll never fix whatever the issue is. I know that's not true, but the fear crept back in a little bit.

I just need to let it go. Let it all go...

And this rum is going to help. Cheers!

Day Four Was...

Oh. My. God. I. Might. Die. From. Boredom.

I have now completed the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Lemme tell ya, its a lot shorter when you fast forward through the battle scenes. That is almost unfortunate, as passing time was sort of one of my goals today.

I went to a yoga class. That was alright. And I caught up with some friends "back East" on the phone. And while I thought of calling some people in town to amuse me tonight, most of them are "coupled" so they are busy doing all the crappy shit I blogged about this morning.

Last night I made a casserole. When I told KS that I was cooking a rice casserole, he asked if I was nesting. I laughed, but it was a slightly disturbing question. It turned out well, but now I have a HUGE vat of cheesy rice casserole in my fridge, so that's all I'll be eating until I head back to PA on Monday. This casserole involved three cups of uncooked rice. If you consider that each cup yields 4 cups of cooked rice... That's a whole lotta casserole for one person.

Okay, I'm blogging about casserole. Sorry.

Day Four Will Be....

Boring.

I have no plans. I have some exercises from the physio to do, but by my calculations, that should take about 20 minutes, max.

The good news is, it has finally stopped snowing. It has been snowing nonstop for about 5 days, and I'm getting a little sick of it. It wasn't a heavy snowfall, but it was fairly constant. Sure, the snow is beautiful. And its so cold that the snow has that fine, powdery, sparkly quality about it. But I am tired of brushing off my car, and I'm tired of fishtailing around ever curve. (Please note: I have not seen a single snowplow. No exaggeration, I haven't even seen ONE and the accumulation is at least 8 inches.)

So the sun is out, which is sure to improve my overall outlook. Oh, but its Valentine's Day. I just checked, and I've never blogged about my feelings on this most heinous of holidays. The time is now, because hell, all I have is time. Two years ago, I had not yet entered the blogosphere, and last year, I was so elated by the opportunity to sub with Philly that I didn't even notice the holiday.

Now, before I get off on a rant, let me clarify: I'm a chic, so I like things like flowers. I like it when men hold doors for me, or tell me that I look nice, or make me dinner, or take me out somewhere. It makes me feel good. I'm not poo-pooing these gestures. But buy me flowers because you missed me, or buy me flowers because I had a bad day, or a really good day. Take me out because it is the 49th day that we've been dating, or tell me I look nice because I got my hair cut today. Don't do it out of obligation, do it out of love.

I generally think that if you love someone, you should tell them. We should probably tell them often, because its likely that we don't say it enough. And birthdays and anniversaries, sure, they are special because they mark a special importance in a relationship. But February 14th? What significance does that hold in your life?

Valentines Day places an awful lot of pressure on all parties, especially men. Now, I think that many (not most, but many) men probably need a little help in expressing their emotions. Valentines Day does provide a good opportunity for that, and there are enough easy rules to follow that don't involve too much original thought: Dinner, Flowers, Chocolate. You don't need to be terribly observant to figure those things out. But THE PRESSURE! Society has turned Valentines Day into this big grand gesture and YOU'D BETTER NOT MESS IT UP! And why?**

If you are in a relationship and it isn't perfect (because most relationships aren't) you are supposed to turn away from all that to have a day to gaze into each other's eyes and pretend like nothing is wrong. And if you aren't in a relationship, you are made to feel bad because no one is gazing into your eyes, pretending nothing is wrong. I don't really believe that anyone feels good on Valentine's, but maybe I'm just bitter.

So am I missing something, here? I'm not going to lie: if a dozen roses showed up on my doorstep today, I wouldn't turn them down. But I also wouldn't acknowledge them as a Valentine's gift. I would acknowledge them as a beautiful gesture which happened to show up for no apparent reason on a random day in February.

Am I fooling myself, here? Reader(s), especially guys, can you weigh in on this? Valentine's Day: Good or Bad? Thoughts?

**I'd like to note that it would be awful to go out in Calgary on Valentine's this year. The roads are terrible and there's a labor shortage. Every restaurant is going to be swamped, and every restaurant is understaffed. It seems like it would be difficult to pretend you are happy under those circumstances.

Day Three Is...

Okay, here's what I learned today: Physiotherapists are possibly the best doctors on the planet. I saw a wonderful doctor today who really made me aware of the tensions and idiosyncrasies in my body. She gave me some exercises, let me lie on a warm heating pad for awhile, and I'm seeing her again in a few days. I might even get some acupuncture for my back, which is kinda neat, although a little creepy.

I'd also like to take a moment to praise Canadian Healthcare. Incredible.

Today I have also cleaned out my car, done a load of laundry, and will probably start baking soon. I'll let you know how that goes. Good grief, its not like I have anything else to do.

Day Two Was....

Day Two was yesterday. I found that it is helpful to be at home as little as possible. Whatever this entails, I need to do it.

On the other hand, I also had the time to sit at home and watch the first Lord of the Rings movie (for the second or possibly third time.)

My chops feel like they are healing. They don't feel bruised, and they feel "normal." (Only brass players would really know what I mean, I think. The rest of you can just imagine.)

Day One: Update

Okay, I'm headed to bed soon and here's my thoughts for the day:

1) Don't say things like, "All I need now is for something to go wrong with my car!" That's just not cool. Especially when you are me, lately. My car is leaking coolant. Again. Dammit.

2) The reason that it is so hard to take time off when you are a musician is that it is counter to everything that we are taught. William Westney talks about this in his book, "The Perfect Wrong Note," the concept that you often have to work easier, not work harder. But we are taught that in music, if there is something you can't do, the best idea is to get into the practice room and work it until you get it. NOT playing is not how we generally solve our musical problems. Taking time off is laziness.

3) And when we do manage to take time off (vacations, holidays, whatever) that is usually a conscious decision. And you know that when you come back to it, if you were healthy before you took the time, you will likely be healthy afterwards. Sure, you'll be a little out of shape, it'll take a day or two, but you'll come back as strong (sometimes stronger) than you were before. But when you take time off because of injury, there is a lot of trepidation about "coming back." Will I be able to come back? Will this help me? Maybe the problem is that I didn't practice enough, so maybe taking time off is the wrong decision!

4) I've had lots of people roll their eyes at me today for expressing how difficult it is to take time away from my instrument. And I don't blame them, I'm not coming at this from a position of anger at those people. If I was them, a week off would sound pretty good to me right now too. But I am in the middle of my first season as a full time orchestral musician, and I've managed to put myself in a situation where I can't play. I know that this is a learning experience, I know that I will come out of this okay, I know that "that which does not kill you will only make you stronger." But right now, I can't shake the feeling that I've failed and let people down.

Seven Days Without The Horn

Day One:

I left my horn at the hall last night because we were going out to the Hop-In-Brew last night (why would we go anywhere else?) and I thought, "I'll just pick it up tomorrow." And then I had the abrupt thought that maybe I should just leave it. I don't actually have to pick it up for another week, and right now, I'm happy its not in the house taunting me.

I know I'm doing the right thing. My face was in physical pain last night from the pressure I was using to play. It didn't sound very great either, as I'm sure you can imagine. The tension levels in my body are at about an 11 on a scale of 1 to 10. A massage and a dinner party today with friends could alleviate it, but we'll see.

I have a laundry list of things to do this week, like getting my stuff together for my incredibly complicated taxes, making apple pull-apart bread (delicious, but time consuming!) watching Season 1 and Season 2 of Grey's Anatomy, and possibly watching the "Lost" DVDs. I'm also going to try to take a little road trip and get out of here. Banff, Lake Louise, and Emerald Lake are on my itinerary, but I don't have any solid plans.

I'm also headed home, though I have yet to book the ticket. I'm really dragging my feet on that and I don't know why. Perhaps its because I am afraid I won't come back to Calgary...

So we'll see how it goes. There's a big part of me that feels really defeated right now, but I'm trying really hard not to let it get to me. This is difficult.

The Thot Plickens

For those of you following the gory details of my life, wondering how/what I'm doing...

At some point (I think in December) I overdid it with my embouchure and then developed lots of strategies for "compensating" for it. What I needed was time off, but didn't give it to myself and now I'm worse off for it. My high range has gone to shit and everyone who has seen/heard it says "yeah, that's no good..." A particularly difficult Education series next week made me go to the Principal horn and ask for some time off. This resulted (to my serious surprise) in him telling me that he supported me in taking disability leave and coming up with numerous solutions to the problem of personnel for the week. I am, at this stage, dumbfounded.

This is undoubtedly the hardest thing I've ever done... I'm not one to shirk responsibility when it comes to work. But when I thought about never being able to play again because I couldn't say "I need time off" well... And not only that, there are provisions in the CBA for things like this. Its called "disability leave." I have health insurance for the first time in my life that covers physiotherapy, massage therapy, and any number of other doctors that I didn't really know existed before. So why not? Really, why not give the doctors something to do? Hell, I have a lot of time off in front of me, why not go see all of them just for fun?

And as long as we're talking about time off-- anybody want a houseguest? I won't be bringing my horn.

Things I Have Learned (Or Relearned)

1) Trust your instincts. If your gut is telling you that someone is not entirely trustworthy, you are probably right. Don't wait around to be proven right.

2) When you meet people you know you can trust, cultivate the friendship and trust. I'm not talking about someone you trust to pay you back a dollar, I'm talking about who you trust with your secrets, who you trust to be there when you need them, who you trust to not let you down. These are the ones who will come over in the middle of the night to remind you that you are great, or the ones who call every two days to make sure you aren't dead. Cultivate these friendships, even when they are miles away, because at some point, you will need them. They will be your saving grace in times of crisis.

3) If you think, as a horn/brass player, that you have hurt your face somehow, FOLLOW THAT INSTINCT. Continuing to play usually just makes things worse. No crappy gig is worth the rest of your life, in terms of playing. With that said, sometimes you just have to make it through. But be smart.

4) Don't be afraid to ask for help, particularly if you are hurt. It is better that people know that you are having "chop problems" than that they think you just plain suck. This is really hard for brass players because it is like an admission of defeat for many of us to admit that we might not be able to do something. But as someone wisely told me yesterday, "If you were a tennis player and you tore a muscle in your arm, two days later, you would not be lifting weights again."

5) Take yourself seriously, and know in your mind and heart that you have the tools to solve the problems that arise. I'm talking mostly about playing horn, but it applies to the rest of your life as well. I have two advanced degrees in horn playing, and one certificate. I've studied with some of the greatest people on the planet. I can fix this.

6) No one else is going to take care of you. That sounds harsh and pessimistic, but it really is true. No one else can put in the time and the work to fix your problems, be they a lack of high range or a funny double buzz. People can offer suggestions: take them or leave them. Trust that you know the difference between a good idea for you, and one where you say, "Well, that works well for him, but that's just not my style...."

7) Don't ever lose sight of your fundamentals. Ever. Find a warmup/maintenance session that works for you and keep with it. Every day. And when things start going wrong, take it back to the most basic component of horn playing: air.

8) If you aren't happy where you are, figure out how to make yourself happy. Everything is not going to be hunky-dory all the time. Figure out what are "deal breakers" in terms of your happiness. You deserve the absolute best, don't settle.

9) Stop telling yourself what you "should" want and figure out what you ACTUALLY want. I "should" want a principal position. But I don't. And that's okay.

10) Stop being so damn hard on yourself! If I talked to other people the way I talk to myself in my head, no one would be friends with me. Be kind to yourself. Try it-- it has worked wonders for me.

11) When you feel unfabulous, declare it "Be Nice To Me Day." Buy some soap. Buy a pretty shirt. Get a massage. Get your haircut. Try not to let the stresses (and there are so many) manifest themselves in your outer appearance. "Fake it 'till you make it."

Today I....

Today I was not hungover. The wheels on my car did not fall off, and I did not do bodily harm to myself or anyone else. I did not throw my horn, or even my mute, for that matter. I listened to "Eye to the Telescope" (KT Tunstall's Grammy nominated album) at least twice, and I listened to some Schoenberg and Mendelssohn as well. I realized that in addition to making a killer risotto, my friend JW is a badass bass player. Badass.

I walked to the hall. I put one foot in front of the other until I got there. It took me awhile, but it was nice. It was basically the same route I take when I drive, except that I noticed a lot more things, like the cool houses and people walking their dogs.

I called my mother. I talked to KS, finally. I was going to call AB, but I realized that since he's a teacher, he probably has to wake up in the morning, so I'll call him at a more opportune hour tomorrow. I talked to AU for at least 45 minutes.

I did not watch the Superbowl.

I practiced. A lot. I did a huge amount of mouthpiece buzzing and harmonic series slurs. The sound of mouthpiece buzzing for over 30 minutes can get very annoying. Trust me on this.

Today, I didn't cry. Not once. I also didn't quit playing. I also didn't really get very angry about anything. I had a few good giggles. MB tried to french braid my hair, which was pretty amusing. I decided I need some cute clothes and a haircut, and I need to stop feeling like a dumpy lard-ass. I am not a dumpy lard ass. That's just dumb. I am going to be blissfully single, or at least I'm going to tell myself that I'm going to be blissfully single.

I'm starting a list of movies to see. All recommendations will be considered, but the darker, the better. No sad-sack chic flicks, preferably dark humor, a la "Harold and Maude" or "Bullets Over Broadway."

Today was pretty good. How are you?

People think I'm resilient.

I have had a number of people tell me recently that I am a very resilient person. This was a very nice thing for them to say, but what does that mean? I guess we always have choices. I could choose to ball myself up in the fetal position and hide under my blankets with only my stuffed animals to keep me company. (Don't get me wrong; there has been a fair amount of this lately, it just isn't terribly prolonged.) Or I could completely withdraw, but misery does love company, and I've never been good at being a hermit, let alone a miserable hermit.

I mean, aren't we all resilient? Short of throwing myself into the Bow River (which probably wouldn't work since its frozen right now), I don't know what being "not resilient" would mean. Don't we all just take things as they come, deal with them as best we know how, and get on with our lives? I don't feel very resilient right now. I feel empty, lost, and lonely. Which is not to say that I'm not surrounded by loving, supportive, and wonderful people who have made it abundantly clear that they love me. (Really, I don't know where I'd be without y'all.) It just means that, when I'm alone, I feel VERY alone. When confronted with mundane tasks, I feel like I can't do them, or can't be bothered to do them. When people ask the simple pleasantry, "How are you?" I stare blankly, not sure whether I should just take the easy route and say "fine" (which is sort of true because technically I'm still standing on two feet and breathing) or just tell them the other truth, which is something to the effect of "I'm having the worst week of my life. How are you?"

People think I'm resilient. Should I tell them that I cry at the drop of a hat? Should I tell them that when I think about my gramma, I get very VERY sad? Should I tell them that when I think about her cancer, I think about all of the people in my life (a growing list) who have been affected either directly or indirectly by this? Should I tell them that I'm not only talking about my grandparents (three, now, affected by terminal cancer), but my also aunt, and one of my closest friends from graduate school? Should I tell them how mad it makes me, mad enough to punch something? Or should I tell them about how I grew up next door to my grandparents and can't imagine a world where my parents and grandparents don't live 100 yards from each other?

People think I'm resilient. Should I tell them how lonely I am? How I just want someone who is going to love me and hold me and tell me that everything is okay? Should I tell them that I feel like less of a person for wanting that? That I feel like a failure because I haven't found that special someone who "makes my socks roll up and down"? Should I tell them that I feel like a walking cliche for wanting those things?

So I'm resilient... Should I tell them that I dread going to work tomorrow? Should I tell them that I don't want to look BH in the face because if he even says a word to me, I just might cry? Or even worse, I might tell him what I REALLY think of him and his behavior as of late? Should I tell them that every time I get in my car, I think about continuing to drive in a southeasterly direction until I get to Philadelphia?

People think I'm resilient. I hope they are right, because I don't feel like I know myself well enough to know either way.

I am still lucky.

The shit has hit the fan. My life is falling apart. My grandparents are slipping away from me, my job is not going as I had planned, and I feel stuck in western Canada.

But I am still lucky.

My best friend still calls every day. When she doesn't hear from me for more than 48 hours, she leaves messages that say, "Are you dead? I am certain you are dead since I haven't heard from you. I'm going to be very upset to find out you are dead."

My mom still loves me and wants to keep me safe from everything that is bad. Nevermind that at age of 26, I do realize that the world is full of things that are not good... But its what moms do, and my mom happens to be very good at it.

My "emergency contact" as I've started referring to him, JW, will always be there with a shoulder for me to cry on. And for fuck's sake, I've been crying enough lately. His shoulder must be soaked.

KS calls me every day. Just to make sure I haven't thrown myself off a bridge. Sometimes he calls twice. And when he says he'll call, he always does.

E-AP and EH are still talking to me and constantly telling me that the invitation to stay with them at Banff is always open. I don't know why they continue to talk to me, since every time I correspond with them, I turn into a raging bitch. This is my public apology. Guys, I love you both even though I haven't known you very long. Your friendship means the world to me and I'm sorry I've been so incredibly difficult lately.

Horn players that literally span the globe have been supportive and offering their condolences, proper indignations, and helpful advice to me. RG spent over an hour on the phone with me last night discussing the finer points of contracts, playing devil's advocate where necessary, and reminding me to hang in there.

DS told me today that everyone loves me. Even though I feel empty and lost, he reassured me that my friends, who are like gold right now, are there. And for once, even for me who has trouble trusting or believing anyone... I believe him.

I am blessed. I think I am at the absolute end of my rope, but I am blessed.

All of you, thank you. I'm fairly certain that I'm not done needing your support and kind words. I'm also fairly certain that I'm not done thanking you, and not done reminding you that if you ever need the favor returned, I will be there for you. I promise.

Maybe its not just me.

I've been reading this advice column "Since You Asked" by Cary Tennis. It is written daily on salon.com, which is chock-full of thought provoking articles. Today's Q+A with Mr. Tennis hit home so strongly with me, I feel my eyes brimming with tears (for like the 12th time today; I'm emotionally unstable, after all...) after reading it. The topic is writing, and the person asking the advice is asking if her relationship with another person can/should trump her career goals. But rather than taking the standard answer to the question, he talks about nurturing his writing, not because of what it does for his outer self, but for what it does for his inner self, his soul.

"...take care of your writing as you would take care of an animal or a child. Do not send it out into the world to do an adult's job. Just take care of it and, in its own way, it will take care of you."

Change "writing" to "music" and I find so much truth in that statement. My life is falling apart. I moving back home in June, and will probably not really turn to look back here, at least for awhile. My playing is in shambles and my relationships seem to be slowly flushing themselves down the toilet that is my life. I am without direction and unmotivated, searching desperately for a way out of this hole, but trying to get out often finds me digging myself even deeper. I want to know what is wrong with me, and I can't even find something "right" about myself.

If music, like writing, is a "tool for becoming who you are," as Mr. Tennis puts it, then I at least have something to hold onto, for now.