I'm so excited and I just can't hide it...

I'm going to play in Carnegie Hall tomorrow with the Philadelphia Orchestra.

And I'm stoked.

I got in.

Tanglewood called this morning. I think I'm going to start answering the phone, "Hello, its great to be me, how can I help you?"

My ego isn't going to fit through the door pretty soon.

I don't care. No really, I don't care.

There have been times in the past when I've tried to play it cool and "not care" about something that was, in reality, extremely important to me. Those were times when I tried (to varying degrees of success) to pretend that success or failure didn't bother me. "Its a good experience," or "At least I learned something" were the rationalizations and attempts at "not caring."

But yesterday, I learned how unbelievably successful truly not caring can be.

At one point in my life, I put an awful lot of stock into getting into a particular music festival in the Berkshires. I cried last year when I was an alternate. Again.

So this year, when I auditioned in Boston, I was putting a lot of stock into it. And then the Philadelphia Orchestra called me and I decided to throw all of my eggs into that basket. I wasn't terribly prepared for my Tanglewood audition, but it didn't really matter. I would go to Boston, hang with some dear friends, play a few excerpts, and come back to Philly and resume my life.

When I signed in for my audition, I saw a few people I knew, gave them "the nod" and went to my warmup room. I played about three notes and then started organizing my schedule for the next week. I really didn't care. I played through a few things, did some doodling, and went back to the desk for my audition. I walked in, said hi to the panel, gave them my resume, and played.

And boy did I play. Before I started, all I could think was "I really don't want to go to your stupid festival," interspersed with "Fuck you, and you.... and you and you." Then, every once in awhile, I would think about how, not even 24 hours beforehand, I was sitting on stage with the greatest orchestra in the world.

I played good. Real good. Best audition I've ever played.

The horn player on the panel called me that night, of his own accord, to tell me how much I've improved in the last two years, and how mature my playing was. I was flattered that he called. He said he couldn't tell me what was going to happen with the festival, but that he just wanted to touch base with me. And for as cool as it was to hear from him, I still don't really care if I get in.

Not caring is very liberating.... I think I need to work on this more. There's something to it, methinks....

Dear Orchestra:

Dear Favorite Orchestra in the World,
I feel so honored to be a small part for a short time. To say that its one of the greatest experiences of my life might be an understatement.

Dear Principal Trumpet-
You are a big geek, but you are the greatest trumpet player to ever walk the face of the planet.

Dear Associate Principal Trumpet-
Those Empire Brass Recordings from the 80s, you know, the ones where you have that great mullet? Yeah, those recordings are what made me become a musician. I don’t know how to possibly tell you that without sounding like a sappy world class loser, so I think I’ll just keep it to myself. Also, it was really funny when, during the applause the other night, you were talking about how having six pierogies for dinner was a bad idea. I’m still laughing about that.

Dear Principal Trombone-
I know you’re married to a successful doctor and all, but would that stop you from wanting to have babies with me?

Dear Fourth Horn-
You are easily the best horn player in that crazy section. It is a privilege to study with you and a thrill to sit on stage near you. You are levelheaded and supportive and an unbelievable inspiration to me every single day.

Dear Percussion Section-
I know you’re like, the greatest section in the world, but do you have to hit the bass drum so g--damn loud at the end of this piece? Do you think you could keep it down for us little people sitting in front of you?

Dear Maestro-
Wow. I want to shake your hand so that I can say that I shook your hand. But every time I see you I seem to forget how to speak. How is it possible for one person to give off so much energy? You could recite the alphabet or read your grandmother’s recipe cards and it would be exciting. How is that possible?

Dear Verizon Hall-
You look and sound so beautiful from where I am sitting. Every time I see the stage from the audience now, I will remember the first rehearsal where I walked out on stage and felt how different it is from the center. When I looked out and saw my mom a few nights ago, I was so overwhelmed it took every ounce of self control not to bawl onstage.

Love,

Ren

Good things come to those who work hard while they're waiting.

Today I played in the Philadelphia Orchestra.

Simon Rattle conducted. Christoph Eschenbach is conducting next week. And we're going to Carnegie Hall.

Ricardo Morales sat in front of me.

I said hi to Sam Caviezel.

I played assistant for Jeff Kirschen.

I sat in the same section as Adam Unsworth.

I met Don Liuzzi and Jeff Curnow.

David Bilger sat three seats away.

Angie Nelson and Chris Divinny were behind me.

David Kim was, as usual, concertmaster.

Dick Woodhams gave the A at the beginning of the rehearsal. I think I was the only one who bothered taking it.

Verizon Hall at the Kimmel Center looks even better from the stage.

When we were done, some student outside the KC asked if we had been done with rehearsal long. I nonchalantly replied, "Oh, about 10 minutes or so." I was in the orchestra... like, rehearsing... so I knew....


I learned some important things today. Maybe things that I've always known but never had actual proof of:

1) If you surround yourself with greatness, you will rise to the occasion.
2) I love playing the horn.
3) I made the right decision, you know, picking music as a career.
4) This piece that we're playing... well, it sucks. But I don't even care. Did I mention that Simon Rattle is conducting?

My life started today.

Not calling you.

So, I'm sitting at my computer, not calling him, and thinking up dumb haiku. This is really meant to be tongue in cheek... I've never enjoyed poetry. I think that AP English killed it for me, and in the seven years since, its never been resurrected. Anyway, I though you all might get a giggle out of these

A Haiku Or Two:

I'm not calling you
Because if I do I will
Miss you more than now

I'm not calling you
To tell you that I care or
That I miss your smile

I will not let you
Know that I want to hear you
Say that you were wrong

And that you want me
Back in your life and things will
Go differently

......

Reader(s), You now know why I never pursued that English major. You also know that I suck at poetry. Have a great night.

"All you need is.... "

Finish the phrase. Go ahead. I dare you.

So, I'm back in the blogosphere this week. Granted, I've lost all of my reader(s) by now, but PH told me the other day that he checks the Ren's Nest occasionally in hopes that I'll be back. So here I am. I'm hoping some of the rest of you check it out occasionally also.

So, MMG and I broke up. Yeah, I know, a week ago I was still telling all of you that everything was really great. And in my head, it was. In my head, things were definitely getting better and they were going to go back to the way they were. But then, last Sunday night, I finally woke up, smelled the bullshit, and now its over. I guess.

Funny how you can't turn off your emotions the way you might always want to. I want to not love him. I want to not care when I see him in the hall. I want to not think about him, or think about the highlights of our relationship. I don't want to wake up in the morning and realize that I'm not going to see him today, or tomorrow, or probably the next day and be sad about it.

Funny how I keep telling myself that everything is alright. Is it? I really thought that he might be "it." And I keep thinking that, like the title of this post, all you really need is love. But this is one instance where life apparently got in the way of love.

I'm ready to prioritize another person into my life. Yes, I love music. Can I put another person ahead of horn playing right now? Honestly, probably not. But do I have to put them ahead of it? Why can't I put them right next to music? And, more to the point, what so wrong with putting me next to music in someone else's life? Why can't I find someone who wants to integrate me into their life in a meaningful way? Am I trying to hard? Am I looking in the wrong places? Am I stupid? Do I have bad teeth and I never noticed?

I know that time heals all wounds. But I think there's still a lot of scar tissue, in my case.

All I want is for someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me that its going to be ok. And I want to believe them.