Spot made me post this. (Not true, but funny.)

So, Spot had this hilarious idea of posting these silly 100 questions and answers on his blog, so I just had to waste some time and do it too.

100 THINGS... Repost this with your answers:
1. First grade teacher's name: Mrs. Heard
2. Last word you said: Hi.
3. Last song you sang: American Pie
4. Last person you hugged: My Mom
5. Last thing you laughed at: Realizing that he's just not that into me.
6. Last time you said I dont remember: Uh, I don't remember.
7. Last time you cried: Last night.
8. Last time you poured super hot fudge all over yourself: Uh, never
9. What color socks are you wearing: White. Very boring.
10. What's under your bed? the box to my new car stereo
11. What time did you wake up today: 10:30 (Its my day off)
12. Last thing you ate: Strawberry Yoghurt
13. Current hair: boring.
15. Current annoyance: men
16. Current longing: For someone to tell me that everything is going to be ok
17. Current desktop: Banff
18. Current worry: My high range.
19. Current hate: nothing comes to mind
20. Current favorite article of clothing: My pajamas. Duh.
21. Favourite physical feature of the preferred gender: personality
22. Last CD that you listened to: Kurt Elling, Live in Chicago.
23. Favourite place to be: At home sitting at the counter in the kitchen, having a cup of tea with my mom.
24. Least favorite place: The gynecologist's office
25. Time you wake up in the morning: highly variable
26. If you could play an instrument, what would you play: Horn, duh.
27. Favourite color: Blue
28. Do you believe in an afterlife: Sure, why not.
29. How tall are you: 5'6''
30. Current favorite word/saying: Fuck
31. Favorite book: I have to pick just one?
32. Favorite season: Spring
34. Song currently listening to: I'm in a library. Ssssshh!
36. What is your career going to be like: Fun
37. How many kids do you want: One. And he/she will be perfect.
Have you ever...
38. Eaten an entire gallon bucket of ice cream in one day: No. Half-gallon, yes.
39. Said "I love you" and meant it: Once or twice
40. Gotten in a fight with your dog/cat/bird/fish, etc: Yes. I'm currently annoyed with Sam the Mouse too. I keep leaving crumbs for him but he's only interested in Peanut Butter.
41. Been to New York: Yes.
42. Been to Florida: Yes
43. Been to California: Yes.
45. Been to Mexico: No
46. Been to China: No.
48. Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: Can't remember
49. Had sex: Lots
50. Sent someone to the hospital: No
51. Been naked in public: Not really.
Other...
52. Do you have a crush on someone: unfortunately, yes.
53. What book are you reading now? I'm just starting "The Memory of Running" by Gary McLarty. And I just finished the newest Nick Hornby book. (Not great, don't recommend it.)
54. Worst feeling in the world: To quote Spot: Realizing you've given someone else control of your happiness. The best feeling is taking it back.

55. What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning?: Shit, this again?
56. How many rings before you answer: Depends on who it is.
57. Future daughter's name: dunno
58. Future son's name: dunno
59. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: Ducky
60. If you could have any job you wanted: 2nd horn player of the Philadelphia orchestra
61. Wish you were here: anywhere but here
62. College plans: Ha.
63. Piercings: Ears. 7.
64. Do you smoke: never
65. Do you drink: Not enough.
67. What kind of Shampoo and Conditioner do you use: Trader Joe's "Refresh" It smells like oranges.
68. What are you most scared of: being alone
69. What clothes do you sleep in: flannel pajama pantsand a tank top
70. Who is the last person that called you: Gurf
71. Where do you want to get married: HAHAHAHAHAHA that's assuming someone would want to marry me
72. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?: I wouldn't be so annoyed by myself.
73. Who do you really hate: no one
74. Been In Love: Unfortunately, yes
75. Are you timely or always late: Timely
76. Do you have a job: Yes, lots.
77. Do you like being around people: Mostly. Depends on the people.
78. Best feeling in the world: Knowing that someone cares.
79. Are you for world peace: Sure.
80. Are you a health freak: Occasionally.
81. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: Eh, maybe. But I don't want to limit my options
82. Do you miss someone?: Yes
83. Are you lonely right now?: Yes
84. Ever afraid you'll never get married: Yes
85. Do you want to get married: Of course
86. Do you want kids?: Yup
In the last 48 hours, have you...
87. Cried: Yes
88. Bought Something: Yes
89. Gotten Sick: No
90. Sung: Yes
91. Said I Love You: Yes
92. Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved them?: No
93. Met Someone: No
94. Moved On: Yes
95. Talked To Someone: Yes
96. Had A Serious Talk: Unfortunately, yes.
97. Kissed someone: No
98. Hugged Someone: Yes
99. Yelled at Someone: No. Wanted to yell at someone? Yes.
100. Dreamed About Someone You Can't Be With: No.

Wow, what a colossal waste of time. Oh well. I'm going to go practice.

Summer's barely over and I'm already thinking of the next one....

Yeah, I'm actually holding my horn in that picture.... (not really)

*sigh*

Its that time of year again, folks. The weather is turning a bit chilly, the leaves are turning beautiful shades of oranges and reds, and Halloween is upon us. I don't live in Madison, WI, anymore, so I don't have to be concerned about riots. Ah, autumn... tis the season to start thinking about what I'm doing...

NEXT SUMMER.


For those of you who don't know, many young musicians spend their summers "honing their craft" at music festivals around the world. We'd like you to think that we spend our time practicing, making music, and meeting interesting people who we shall refer to as "colleagues" someday. And yeah, all of those things happen. But summer festivals are also a great excuse to party, have illicit love affairs, and spend time in places like Florida, Maine, the Berkshires, and the Canadian Rockies, often partly or mostly on someone else's (very generous) dime. I'll refer you to the June/July/August 2005 archives of Spot's Doghouse for some info on what its like to be at a music festival, especially the music aspect of it. And you should also see this article from the Boston Globe for more insight about Tanglewood and some of the magic that goes on there.

So, dear reader(s), thanks for enduring this much of my stupid blog post. Here's my point: While I'm barely done with last summer, its time for me to start thinking about the next one. What am I going to audition for? The list gets shorter every year for a variety of reasons. But this year, my goals are to either go to Tanglewood, get a paying gig (I just heard about a summer opera thing in NJ that pays really well....), or go ABROAD. There is a festival or two in Germany that look fun, as well as a rather prestigious one in Switzerland....

I used to not audition for these big festivals because I knew I wasn't good enough to get in. I also wasn't in a place (location-wise and playing-wise) where I could get much playing work if I stayed home, so it often meant if I didn't go to a festival, I'd have to work at the bookstore or waiting tables. Now I know that I can get work. I also know that if I have a good audition, I have as good a chance as anyone of getting into these festivals.

Sometimes it is good to be me. When I read those last two sentences, I know that I've come a long way in the last few years of my life. I might not be very happy with everything in my life right now, but at least I can be happy with my accomplishments.

P.S. I just learned how to use the blogger images button! WOW!

Parallel Universes

Last week, as I was passing the library here at Temple, there were a bunch of guys rapping. And there were some ROTC guys rappelling down the side of a building. And I thought, "Gee, I love Philly."

And today, as I passed the library, I heard another band playing. I noticed the bass first, as it was overbalanced and sounded pretty good. The bassist was black... not a big deal, right? I looked closer, though, and there were a bunch of old Jewish men with kippas on their heads playing guitars. And as I paid even more attention, I noticed the decidedly Eastern European Jewish "sound" to the music. Here's what went through my head:


1) I have heard, and actively dislike, Christian Pop Music. But I've never heard of Jewish Pop Music. I didn't even know it existed.

2) I'm sure that there are African-American Jews. I've just never seen one. Particularly not in a Jewish Pop Band in North Philly.

3) But then, I've never seen a Jewish Pop Band before. Why wouldn't the bassist be black?

4) In a parallel universe, I live in Jerusalem and play with the JSO. Huh. I think I like Philly better. I'm not confronted with Jesus/Moses/King David/Allah every day of my life. I am, however, confronted with the Creperie outside of Presser everyday. I'd rather think about a crepe everyday than Jesus.

Learn from my mistake

Life's lessons #14,356:

When a personnel manager tells you there's a Pop's concert at 8:00 pm on a Sunday night and that strikes you as odd, don't go with it. Confirm that that's really what he said and meant. I can almost promise you, based on my experience yesterday, that he didn't really mean 8. He meant 3.

An open letter to anyone who cares

I'm rather sick of hearing about how y'all aren't interested in "emotional involvement." Quite frankly, I think that's just another stupid way of saying "Its not you, its me." And well, we all know that is a load of bullshit.

So I've decided that in leiu of men, I'm just going to put my lips to a metal mouthpiece and forget about y'all. My horn is better than a relationship with an actual human being for any number of reasons, but the most notable is that a horn won't feed me lines about how great I am and then dump me. I can work with my horn and things will actually get better, rather than worse. Besides, when I play my horn, I get paid. When I play with men, I just end up hurt.

So you know what? I quit. I quit relationships. If you need me, I'll be practicing.

It's not kids these days. It's their parents.

I have three horn students. I like all of them. I think they're fun, each with their own interesting idiosyncracies. Two of them (D and K) are in high school and the third (G) is an adult student. I don't really have anything blogworthy to say about G. He's a great student because he wants to be there and he's there of his own accord. He practices and he is thoughtful and knows what he wants out of lessons and is completely capable of communicating with me.

D and K are a different story. I remember what its like to be 16. It sucked. But I don't think I ever had to deal with the garbage that I sense these kids get at home. My parents were always completely supportive of whatever I wanted to do, or not do, as the case might have been. They hauled my a$$ around to music lessons until I could drive, and then they graciously (and bravely) let me borrow the car to drive myself once I got my license.

K doesn't practice, and I don't really get the impression that she even likes playing the horn. I'm not sure she minds it, and she wouldn't be half bad if she practiced. But it is blatantly obvious that she just doesn't practice. Period. So how is this girl going to get better? That is beyond me, but she comes in every week and I give it the good ol' college try. It became obvious to me, upon meeting her parents, that she is there because her parents are making her. Now, I don't know if it is blatant: "You must take horn lessons," or if its more subtle, "You must be well rounded so you get into college." But if she had a choice, K would be sleeping on Saturday mornings.

Why would you make your kid do something they don't want to do, when they are already clearly overscheduled and overextended? This is not a job. Being 16 is not a job. She's not getting paid. Let her sleep.

D is dealing with a rather major embouchure change and it is frustrating for him. All who've changed mouthpiece positions know what I'm talking about. For the rest of you, just play along like you understand. After D's lesson today, I spoke briefly with D's dad and said, "D is doing well, he's really making some progress. I know he's frustrated, but its going well. And if he's planning on going to music school, its best we fix it now." And his Dad said, "Gee it doesn't sound very good. It sounds really rough. He shoulda fixed his embouchure four years ago, but better late than never, right?" Now, Reader(s), as I read that back to myself it is hard to capture the sarcasm and exasperation in dad's voice as he said this to me. But it wasn't all in good fun. It was sarcastic and mean and I would NEVER insult my child (if I had one) like that, especially in front of his teacher.

If this guy has concerns over my teaching methods, that's fine. He can talk to me. If he doesn't think his son is making enough progress, that's tough shit, because D is doing (I think) a really fine job. If he thinks his son is sucking at the horn, he's partly right. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. But keep it to yourself, Dad. Grit your teeth and get used to the sound of long tones. Your kid isn't YoYo or LangLang. But he's got talent and I'm sorry that you aren't convinced of that.

I feel really sad for these kids. They're both good kids. If you were teaching high school, you'd want them in your class because they're smart, polite, and interesting. So when people say "Kids these days..." well, I'm pretty convinced that it isn't the kids.

No really, trust your intuition.

In my wallet, I have a card that says "Trust Your Intuition." I keep it in that clear pocket where people often keep their drivers licenses or picture of their loved ones. I put it there a little over a year ago because I felt like I needed a reminder that often I'm smarter than I think I am. It became part of my wallet, not something I really notice. But as I opened my wallet the other day, it caught my eye and my thoughts.

I really don’t like being passive aggressive. But I just got dumped, so with the knowledge that the guy who dumped me might read this, I continue. I hope this doesn’t count as passive aggression, but its my blog, I’ll write about what I want.

What is it that hurts so much about rejection, anyway? We all wish that we could just laugh it off and say "oh well, that's his loss, not mine." But no matter how hard I try to put on that face, (and no matter how much it might be true in the long run) being told that I'm not good enough to make a relationship worthwhile... well, that hurts. For me, rejection by one person usually recalls all of the rejection I've ever felt. It makes me evaluate all of my past relationships, and makes me say things like, "Well, all relationships fail, until one doesn't." Not one of my more optimistic anecdotes, but true. I start thinking about why Z and I broke up, or why things with R ended. It makes me think about why Z and I ever got together, and how it is that R and I didn't self-destruct early on. It makes me wonder about the now-defunct possibilities of this recently ended relationship, and makes me sad about what might have been. I guess sometime I might feel like I'm happy that I had the opportunity to get to know this person, but that brings me back to my initial paragraph.

Trust your intuition. No, really, your gut feeling is right. I had a feeling I might get hurt. I chalked it up to paranoia related to my overall relationship history. I had a feeling that I might be able to commit to a long distance relationship (or any relationship) a little easier than he would. I had a feeling that I was leaving myself wide open for a blow to my ego and another little rip in my heart. (I’m not calling this heartbreak. My heart was broken once and I CERTAINLY wouldn’t have been able to discuss it with this much clarity. He didn’t give the relationship a long enough chance for my heart to be broken. But it hurts, no doubt.) I should have listened to that little voice that said, “This is bad news.” But instead, I was blinded by my own hope that maybe this time something would be different. I guess that hope is what keeps us looking for that certain someone. It must be something, because otherwise, I’d just hole up in my apartment and play my horn all day. Wait, that’s what I do anyway… hmm…

I’m disappointed about this, but I’m fine. I spent the week doing what I love: playing music. I spent a lot of time in the car, too, but that really is beside the point. The only thing I accomplished this week was playing my horn. I’m thoroughly sick of the Pennsylvania Turnpike and Tchaikovsky’s 5th Symphony, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t love what I do. I really don’t believe that there is anything more fun that sitting in an orchestra during those little spots… in the case of Tchaik 5 its that descending scale with the low brass in the 1st movement, and the chord right before Q in the 1st movement where the 3rd and 4th horns echo the 1st and 2nd. I do what I love AND I love what I do. And today, for the first time in a few years due to geographical restrictions, my mom and my grandma came to hear me play. How great is it to share music with other people, especially those who helped you on that track in the first place?

I got rejected by someone who I thought (and in many ways still do think) is really great. So does that mean that I suck? Rationally, no, but the heart is not a rational thing. Will I be ok? Yes. Am I ok now? Eh. Do I love where I am in my life? Well, not everything, but lots of things are going well. Do I need to trust my intuition a little more? Perhaps, but that doesn’t mean that I regret the last few months of my life. I think I’ll keep that card in my wallet for a little while longer, and maybe I’ll actually read it more frequently, as a reminder.